I've been looking for something to keep me motivated. Anybody that trains knows that there are peaks and valleys involved. Motivation has not been difficult for me with Muay Thai, but BJJ is pushing my tolerance. I want to quit. Badly. If I do that, though, it will mean I am not living up to my potential. I KNOW I can do it, I just need to keep motivated. I've been slowly working my way through a book called "A Fighters Heart" by Sam Sheridan. It's probably not great literature, but it's nice to read. I really only crack it open when I'm dealing with my own valley. I picked up his second book "A Fighters Mind" for when I finish the other. I recently purchased Forrest Griffin's book, "Got Fight?" on a whim and I'm pleasantly surprised by it's content. Don't get me wrong, it's hyper testosterone and goofy, but there are quite a few gems in there. It's easy to read because it's entertaining. I'd actually recommend it!
So, having bolstered my resolve in the jiu-jitsu department, I decided to figure out what's "wrong" with the situation. Ok, I don't like they way they teach it at my academy. I was diagnosed early in life with learning disabilities (yeah, I know it sounds like bullshit, but I've seen enough in my lifetime to know I am wired completely different than most people) and I know the method they use to teach does not work for me in that regard. Especially with life making it difficult to get into class on a regular basis. I think I am going to drop the BJJ at the academy and then start doing private lessons with a friend...if she's still offering. The other problem is that they rearranged the Muay Thai class schedule so I can't do MT then BJJ right afterward. I've trained 6 days a week and it's just too much. I need my recovery days. That and I've become used to having two nights during the week to spend with, ya know, that guy that I sometimes live with when he's not traveling.
As far as pregnancy goes, we're trying again this month the old fashioned way. I should be ovulating sometime next weekend. Wish me luck!
Monday, July 5, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
It's been a while sense I wrote anything here. Paul and I didn't get the opportunity to conceive this month because he was on travel...no surprise there. That's half our fertility problem right there.
I had an appointment with a genetic counselor on thursday to discuss my Factor V mutation. She explained everything I already knew; that I only have one mutated gene, not both (meaning I got the bad gene from ONE parent, not both), that there's a 50% chance that I could pass it on to offspring, that if the offspring cannot pass on the mutation if they do not have it, that I've a higher risk of having a baby with birth defects (if I don't get enough folic acid because my body doesn't absorb it as well) or having a baby with down syndrome...etc. She told me something I found very interesting, however. During our conversation, I mentioned that I'd lost my previous pregnancies in the first trimester. She told me that miscarriages attributed to Factor V happen in the second; that most first trimester miscarriages are due to chromosome problems. I'm no idiot, but I can't explain what she tried to tell me about chromosomes and the order they should be in, how many there should be, but she did tell me there is a test. I called my doctors office to see if they'd run a Karotype test and they hadn't. I'll have to call my insurance company to see if they cover the test. It would be nice to know if my trying is futile. It would save us a lot of time and grief if it turns out that my genes are just not capable of being passed on. Either way, we'd be able to plan the next step accordingly...be it finding a donor or to keep on trying the way we have.
I haven't lost any weight in almost a year. My body is stubbornly refusing to go under 220 lbs which is irking the hell outta me. I don't know what it is...I diet, I work out, I've taken the diet Rx the doc gave me, why can't I progress? I would be happy if the scales were slowly working their way down. Just a couple pounds a month is all I'm asking, it's not unhealthy. I've lost most of my will power to diet, just because my body has adapted it's ability to retain in response to the 1600 calorie diet (any less would not be enough to support a person as active as I am). I know, I've tried. I've changed up my work out routine in hopes that a different type of exercise would kick my metabolism in gear. So, what's going to happen to me when I can't work out like this anymore? Be it pregnancy/motherhood, or my heavy body breaking down from being worked so hard, or old age...someday it will happen. I don't want surgery, but what else is there left?
I had an appointment with a genetic counselor on thursday to discuss my Factor V mutation. She explained everything I already knew; that I only have one mutated gene, not both (meaning I got the bad gene from ONE parent, not both), that there's a 50% chance that I could pass it on to offspring, that if the offspring cannot pass on the mutation if they do not have it, that I've a higher risk of having a baby with birth defects (if I don't get enough folic acid because my body doesn't absorb it as well) or having a baby with down syndrome...etc. She told me something I found very interesting, however. During our conversation, I mentioned that I'd lost my previous pregnancies in the first trimester. She told me that miscarriages attributed to Factor V happen in the second; that most first trimester miscarriages are due to chromosome problems. I'm no idiot, but I can't explain what she tried to tell me about chromosomes and the order they should be in, how many there should be, but she did tell me there is a test. I called my doctors office to see if they'd run a Karotype test and they hadn't. I'll have to call my insurance company to see if they cover the test. It would be nice to know if my trying is futile. It would save us a lot of time and grief if it turns out that my genes are just not capable of being passed on. Either way, we'd be able to plan the next step accordingly...be it finding a donor or to keep on trying the way we have.
I haven't lost any weight in almost a year. My body is stubbornly refusing to go under 220 lbs which is irking the hell outta me. I don't know what it is...I diet, I work out, I've taken the diet Rx the doc gave me, why can't I progress? I would be happy if the scales were slowly working their way down. Just a couple pounds a month is all I'm asking, it's not unhealthy. I've lost most of my will power to diet, just because my body has adapted it's ability to retain in response to the 1600 calorie diet (any less would not be enough to support a person as active as I am). I know, I've tried. I've changed up my work out routine in hopes that a different type of exercise would kick my metabolism in gear. So, what's going to happen to me when I can't work out like this anymore? Be it pregnancy/motherhood, or my heavy body breaking down from being worked so hard, or old age...someday it will happen. I don't want surgery, but what else is there left?
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I know it's been a while sense I've posted. I'm just tired of doctors and waiting for one thing or another. I know I don't have much longer before my fertility is completely spent because of my low ovarian reserve, but Paul is out of town and it's nice to have a little break from trying to conceive. Obviously last month didn't work out for us. I'm waiting to hear back from my orthopedic surgeon and hematologist to see what the verdict is on my odds for knee surgery. But, that's not making me anxious. I'm glad to have this time to really focus on just martial arts. I was going to just take it easy, but my knees were actually getting worse for not working out.
I started back into Muay Thai first and settled in pretty well. I missed it so much! Not just the art itself, but the people that I practice it with. One night this week my kicks were perfect. I'm not one for patting myself on the back, but damn...I was in awe of those kicks! They were effortless and I had absolute control over them. There were little things that I was doing much better too. It was a great night for Muay Thai. I started back into jiu-jitsu after that class and was completely humbled...knocked off my pedestal and smooshed. It's very frustrating. I guess I'm just not used to being the one that doesn't know what they're doing. I had to call my brother that night because I was just so upset with the sport. He reminded me that I'd missed a lot and that really hurts your game. "More so when you're just starting out. It's normal to spend the first six months or so for things to even start making sense," he said. I had to ask "Is it normal to have to keep yourself from biting? I really had to convince myself not to." "Yup, that's normal, especially if they've got side control. You'll want to kick and punch and bite and claw." He went on to say that it's the frustration that makes jiu-jitsu one of the most difficult martial arts to learn. Most people give up before they start to get it. I was pretty close to wanting to quit last night. I got back from training and I had tiny bruises all over my face. They were maybe a quarter inch across at the most. All I could think was, I've been boxing...punched square in the head countless times for the better part of three years now and I've never had a bruise on my face. Never! Well, I guess my face will just have to toughen up like the rest of me now. All but the one on my chin cleared up by the next afternoon.
I'll keep boxing and use that to keep my confidence up while I struggle through my first year of grappling. I think I'll take time off from conceiving until after my first knee surgery.
I started back into Muay Thai first and settled in pretty well. I missed it so much! Not just the art itself, but the people that I practice it with. One night this week my kicks were perfect. I'm not one for patting myself on the back, but damn...I was in awe of those kicks! They were effortless and I had absolute control over them. There were little things that I was doing much better too. It was a great night for Muay Thai. I started back into jiu-jitsu after that class and was completely humbled...knocked off my pedestal and smooshed. It's very frustrating. I guess I'm just not used to being the one that doesn't know what they're doing. I had to call my brother that night because I was just so upset with the sport. He reminded me that I'd missed a lot and that really hurts your game. "More so when you're just starting out. It's normal to spend the first six months or so for things to even start making sense," he said. I had to ask "Is it normal to have to keep yourself from biting? I really had to convince myself not to." "Yup, that's normal, especially if they've got side control. You'll want to kick and punch and bite and claw." He went on to say that it's the frustration that makes jiu-jitsu one of the most difficult martial arts to learn. Most people give up before they start to get it. I was pretty close to wanting to quit last night. I got back from training and I had tiny bruises all over my face. They were maybe a quarter inch across at the most. All I could think was, I've been boxing...punched square in the head countless times for the better part of three years now and I've never had a bruise on my face. Never! Well, I guess my face will just have to toughen up like the rest of me now. All but the one on my chin cleared up by the next afternoon.
I'll keep boxing and use that to keep my confidence up while I struggle through my first year of grappling. I think I'll take time off from conceiving until after my first knee surgery.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I've been working insane hours. We have a ridiculous deadline and there are only twentyfour hours in the day. So, the long and the short.
They figured out why I can't stay pregnant. I have a genetic disorder that makes my blood all clotty. This pretty much smothers the embryo. It's treatable through pregnancy with blood thinners. The disorder makes me twice as likely to experience deep vein clots that could, ya know, kill me. *scarcastic yay*
And then...
The orthopedist says I need knee surgery. However I can't have the surgery that will fix my pain because I'm too active and I have a physical job and it would pretty much force me into a more sedentary life. So they're planning on a surgery that is more or less temporary. He says the only major complication of this outpatient surgery is...c l o t s. I'd just found out about the blood disorder the day before, so I hadn't procured a blood-doc. Orthopedist said I'd have to meet with one before I do surgery.
And all this in the middle of ovulating. We made the attempt, we'll see how it goes in two weeks. I get to give myself injectable blood thinners until they say "not pregnant." If I am pregnant, I get to keep up the injections. I'm also planning on going back to training. I've been out for about a month because of my knees.
Ugh.
They figured out why I can't stay pregnant. I have a genetic disorder that makes my blood all clotty. This pretty much smothers the embryo. It's treatable through pregnancy with blood thinners. The disorder makes me twice as likely to experience deep vein clots that could, ya know, kill me. *scarcastic yay*
And then...
The orthopedist says I need knee surgery. However I can't have the surgery that will fix my pain because I'm too active and I have a physical job and it would pretty much force me into a more sedentary life. So they're planning on a surgery that is more or less temporary. He says the only major complication of this outpatient surgery is...c l o t s. I'd just found out about the blood disorder the day before, so I hadn't procured a blood-doc. Orthopedist said I'd have to meet with one before I do surgery.
And all this in the middle of ovulating. We made the attempt, we'll see how it goes in two weeks. I get to give myself injectable blood thinners until they say "not pregnant." If I am pregnant, I get to keep up the injections. I'm also planning on going back to training. I've been out for about a month because of my knees.
Ugh.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Crap, not pregnant. Hopefully Paul won't be outta town when I ovulate in May. I think we're going to take a break from the fertility clinic for a while and try on our own again. It feels like every time we try with them, they screw with my hormones and it doesn't work. I think I'm over the PCO hump to be honest. As long as I hold off weight gain and keep taking my metformin, I'll be fine.
I've been out of training though. My knees are killing me! They've been bad sense before I started Muay Thai. Last year I went to my orthopedist and he sent me to physical therapy. I learned the exercises and the knees got better, to where they only really hurt after a heavy workout. Well, I stopped the physical therapy and was doing great for a while. Then I got out of the habit of doing the kettle-bell work out...BAD BAD BAD! I think the kettle-bell was what was keeping those weak muscles in shape. Now I've got to start all over again with the physical therapy. :P Ooh well. I've not been 100% sense starting in the martial arts, but my knees are an ongoing issue and they frustrate me to no end!
I know I've mentioned having had a bad experience with a co-worker in the past. It's made me very sensitive to any kind of work place affetion. There's this older fellow at work. He's kinda slow and socially inept. He gives everybody the creeps. He sets off all my alarms without even having to open his mouth, then he insists on being over affectionate verbally. I mean, I don't mind hearing "you're a great employee," or "you have such positive energy, it's like a breath of fresh air," and such things. But when he says "Hey there, beautiful lady," or "There's my girl, that I adore," it's way over the top of what I'll tolerate. I know he doesn't mean anything creepy by it, but it freaks me out. He does it to the others, so it's not special treatment. My boss, John, to whom I am as close to as one professionally can be to their boss, got through a year and a half before he slipped and unknowingly called me "honey." Why can't this other guy address me by name alone? They've talked to him a little about it (on my behalf because I was too upset) in the past and he didn't do it for a while. He started up again last week and did it again today. I know I need to address the issue myself, talk to him directly. I'm not afraid of him, he's not going to retaliate. In fact I'm sure he'll be horrified that he upset me and probably worry about getting in trouble for harassment. The problem is that when he says those things to me it shoots me directly into my "red zone" and if I try to address the issue then, I'll only say awful horrible mean things to him. Then I'll get into trouble. John and I are supposed to have a meeting with him tomorrow about a project that we're all working on, so I may say something to him then. We'll see. It just pisses me off. :P
I've been out of training though. My knees are killing me! They've been bad sense before I started Muay Thai. Last year I went to my orthopedist and he sent me to physical therapy. I learned the exercises and the knees got better, to where they only really hurt after a heavy workout. Well, I stopped the physical therapy and was doing great for a while. Then I got out of the habit of doing the kettle-bell work out...BAD BAD BAD! I think the kettle-bell was what was keeping those weak muscles in shape. Now I've got to start all over again with the physical therapy. :P Ooh well. I've not been 100% sense starting in the martial arts, but my knees are an ongoing issue and they frustrate me to no end!
I know I've mentioned having had a bad experience with a co-worker in the past. It's made me very sensitive to any kind of work place affetion. There's this older fellow at work. He's kinda slow and socially inept. He gives everybody the creeps. He sets off all my alarms without even having to open his mouth, then he insists on being over affectionate verbally. I mean, I don't mind hearing "you're a great employee," or "you have such positive energy, it's like a breath of fresh air," and such things. But when he says "Hey there, beautiful lady," or "There's my girl, that I adore," it's way over the top of what I'll tolerate. I know he doesn't mean anything creepy by it, but it freaks me out. He does it to the others, so it's not special treatment. My boss, John, to whom I am as close to as one professionally can be to their boss, got through a year and a half before he slipped and unknowingly called me "honey." Why can't this other guy address me by name alone? They've talked to him a little about it (on my behalf because I was too upset) in the past and he didn't do it for a while. He started up again last week and did it again today. I know I need to address the issue myself, talk to him directly. I'm not afraid of him, he's not going to retaliate. In fact I'm sure he'll be horrified that he upset me and probably worry about getting in trouble for harassment. The problem is that when he says those things to me it shoots me directly into my "red zone" and if I try to address the issue then, I'll only say awful horrible mean things to him. Then I'll get into trouble. John and I are supposed to have a meeting with him tomorrow about a project that we're all working on, so I may say something to him then. We'll see. It just pisses me off. :P
Friday, April 23, 2010
Well, I took a pregnancy test this AM and it came up negative. It is still a little early to give up hope. I've already decided that I'll get the more expensive ovulation test kit next time. I think the kit I had this month was defective or contaminated. I'll pay a little more for the individually wrapped test applicator thingies.
I've been taking it easy with the jiu-jitsu due to the possibility of being pregnant. It's been nice having healing ribs as an excuse to not roll or train too hard. I'm back 100% at Muay Thai though. I did a two day seminar with Ajarn Surachai "Chai" Sirisute. It was GREAT! I have HUGE bruises from it.
Going to DC to visit my bro this weekend. Will probably do some BJJ while there. Taking my kettlebell with me.
I've been taking it easy with the jiu-jitsu due to the possibility of being pregnant. It's been nice having healing ribs as an excuse to not roll or train too hard. I'm back 100% at Muay Thai though. I did a two day seminar with Ajarn Surachai "Chai" Sirisute. It was GREAT! I have HUGE bruises from it.
Going to DC to visit my bro this weekend. Will probably do some BJJ while there. Taking my kettlebell with me.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Fingers Crossed
The doctor says it looks as though I did ovulate. They drew some blood and said they'd give me a call if it says otherwise. I've started to notice a couple of things that make me think we may be in luck, but I don't want to start gushing about them and have it turn out that I'm wrong.
Went to Muay Thai. It was a good class. I didn't walk out gassed but I was sweaty. I have been working in the mixed class which is mostly beginners. I like it though. You learn a little bit when you teach somebody something, remember something you forgot. And it's just nice to give back some of what that particular community has given you. I made it though an entire BJJ class, which makes me very happy. I didn't train hard, I was the odd person out, but I did all the techniques and didn't hurt myself. I'm feeling good about how my ribs are healing.
Went to Muay Thai. It was a good class. I didn't walk out gassed but I was sweaty. I have been working in the mixed class which is mostly beginners. I like it though. You learn a little bit when you teach somebody something, remember something you forgot. And it's just nice to give back some of what that particular community has given you. I made it though an entire BJJ class, which makes me very happy. I didn't train hard, I was the odd person out, but I did all the techniques and didn't hurt myself. I'm feeling good about how my ribs are healing.
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