Paul and I had some time to talk this weekend about what we plan to do in place of IVF. I have my ovulation test kit ready to go. I'll call the clinic when I have my LH (luteinizing hormone) surge, and they'll get me in for IUI (artificial insemination) and we'll supplement that by "gettin' busy" (intercourse) from start to finish of the LH surge. We accomplished our most recent pregnancy with just the "gettin' busy" method, so I'm pretty confident that it will work this time around as well.
I was speaking to one of my co-workers that knows about our pregnancy attempts. I hadn't told her that I was gearing up for IVF...but she said she knew something was up because I'd not been acting like myself. She recalled in incident where a fellow co-worker asked me a simple yes or no question. It seems I bit the poor mans head off and didn't realize it. She said we needed to come up with a code word or a name for this "alter-ego" so she could discreetly let me know when I'm acting like an dick. We decided to name the fanged-one Agatha...as in aggravation, anger, aggressor. All she has to do is say "Agatha" and I'll know to shut up. Hopefully Agatha won't be making an appearance again anytime soon as I'm off the hormone they had me taking, but we're ready if she does!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Back in the Saddle!
A friend of mine from Muay Thai shot me a text to see if I was planning on going to class this afternoon. I have to admit I'd been considering it and knowing a buddy was going to be there kinda tipped the scales. It was very satisfying. I'd planned on showering at the gym and then starting my errands, but the guy teaching the class worked us hard and I'm two weeks out of shape. That's bad considering my "in shape" is still technically "way outta shape." I went home instead and spent thirty minutes or so in the bath and then took a long nap. I woke up starving. I was seriously craving some beans and rice, but the kitchen was a wreck and I was too hungry to wait for the time it would take to clean and cook. So I ended up eating the beans directly from the can and Doritos by the fist full. I know, it's bachelor chow, but it's all I had time and patience for. If I'd have ventured out to the garage where Paul and his friends were hanging out, I'd have found hot dogs and mac&cheese. *sigh*
My ribs hurt, but not as bad as I thought they might. I think I'll just got to the beginner classes until I'm back to normal. I just have to say there is nothing so satisfying as punching; the impact that you feel all the way up to your shoulders and across your back. The smack of glove on bag. Gawd I missed it!
My ribs hurt, but not as bad as I thought they might. I think I'll just got to the beginner classes until I'm back to normal. I just have to say there is nothing so satisfying as punching; the impact that you feel all the way up to your shoulders and across your back. The smack of glove on bag. Gawd I missed it!
Friday, March 26, 2010
developing the art of non-advancment
The past couple weeks have been hard. I've been coming off my antidepressant (the kind I'd been on has a "discontinuation syndrome."), started taking a birth control pill (I know, it sounds counter productive, but that is part of the program), injured myself, had to stop training, and it was yearly review time at work. I've had a hard time dealing with my frustrations. My poor boss has been putting up with about as much crazy as my poor husband has. I've been absolutely hung up on the concept of having to make Goals for the upcoming year. Personally, I think that kind of thing is for management and people that want to be in management. I'm technically a skilled laborer (electronics assembler) that is pretty damn happy with her lot, so I don't fall into either category. Now, I'm perhaps smarter than the average laborer. I have a pretty damn solid work ethic because I love my job and the people I work with on a daily basis. I go out of my way to help those people out because I care about them and I hate seeing them struggle, even my boss. I also take great pride in the quality of my work.
I've worked in management before, so I recognize when somebody is probing to see how open I'd be to "developing my career." I've been on both sides of that coin before. I changed industries to get away from being automatically recruited into management training. I've as much as told my supervisor that when he starts to say how I'd make a better supervisor than him. I'd been counting on my technical inexperience and lack of knowledge to trump any perceived "leadership potential." It's worked now for the better part of six years. I think the problem is that the group I work in is small. We have field technicians, production (me and my cronies), HR, IT, Admin...ok just everybody in one building. It's not as easy to just keep your head down and go unnoticed when there are only 30 or 40 people in the building on any given day. Especially when you're on really good terms with your supervisor.
I knew within 5 min of meeting John that we were going to get along just swimmingly. Same work ethic, same age group, similar dork-isms, etc. That and he is just a great guy, somebody you could kick back with and have a beer...the older brother I never had. The man is willing to teach me whatever he knows because I soak it up like a sponge. And why wouldn't I? I love being able to do more handy things, expand my abilities as an assembler. He's just as fond of me. So he tells his boss how great I am. How I help him with the other assemblers and how quickly I adapt...and so on.
I got an awesome raise this year. I mean, it's not a lot, but it was the most they were budgeted to give me and they said I earned it. I know I did. I'm not so much the kiss-ass as much as I just like to do a good job and have people like me for it, not because I want to get ahead. Generally all I need is a pat on the head and a "good girl," and I'm set. But I took a hefty pay cut to work at this place and even a small percentage helps out as far as my man is concerned. The pay cut is another long story, but suffice it to say I hated every minute of my last year at that company and I learned that no job is worth my happiness or sanity.
The problem I had with my stellar review and pay raise is that John, bless his heart, said more than once that I've stepped into the role of an "unofficial team leader." It's true, I have a knack for putting myself in that position; when there's a need for somebody to have a backbone and nobody else will do it. I don't have the patience for standing around and listening to "I dunno, what do you think we should do?" and the response being the same question parroted back. Or the classic situation where somebody has a question but they're too shy to ask John. It makes me want to pull my hair out and scream. Then the other people that work outside our department come to me when/if John isn't in because I have a better grasp of what's going on than the other assemblers.
You may ask, what is wrong with all of that? My answer is "nothing if I wanted to be more than just a working (albeit helpful) grunt." The problem with being in management, especially in this group, is that there's always something else they want to add to your list of responsibilities. It's like they just keep it coming and wait to see what your breaking point is. I understand the need for a company to develop talent and take advantage of it, but when should the individual in question draw the line? Should it be the 70 hour work weeks for 40 hours of pay? The toll it takes on your health? How much should you let it take away from your family life? The problem is that unless you thrive under pressure, unless you have some kind of internal mechanism that separates your professional and personal life it's going to make you unhappy and you'll end up with a lot of personal regrets. Or at least that's my experience.
I'm the sort that handles one thing at a time really well...and that's it. I'm glad that I made the venture into management early in life, before I got married, before I start a family. It's given me the opportunity to really understand how I respond to stress and what my real priorities are. True, they offer help in finding that balance between your personal and professional lives, but I truly feel I've found that balance already. I can do good work, be proud of it, and still have time for my husband, the work we have to do in order to have children, and my martial arts workout/outlet. To be honest, this is the happiest I've been with my personal and professional balance. I tell John this and he still insists that he and his boss want to develop me into more than I want to be.
So, now that I've got all that explanation out of the way, back to the topic of Goals. The system they have set up is only going to work well for management. They want you to set relevant (I understand that one), acheivable (again, I get that), and measurable goals. It's the measurable part that I don't like so much. We measure cables and gaskets. Not once have I been told to keep track of how much waste I make or how often my work is rejected by quality assurance. I wouldn't know how to come up with that information. We're not privy to such things, nor do we care to be. That's what management is there for. I don't know what kind of training I might want/need outside of what they require of us. When I set a goal for myself at work, it's to get organized or to take better production notes...not really something with a metric. When you use the Goal program's "help" in order to come up with something to put down, everything they suggest is something for management. Things about quarterly reports and spearheading programs and such non-sense. When I see this, it literally makes me feel like I should twist my own head off. They never required goals before this year, and I've never been asked to have goals anywhere else. It's not that I couldn't come up with some kinda bullshit to put in there, but if we're expected to achieve our goals, they should give us something we can actually work with.
When I first told John that we shouldn't have to do them, that they were corporate bullshit, just trying to get us to write something for the sake of writing something, he tried to explain that setting these Goals are good for us. That even if I'm not thinking about advancing now, it would go a long way to help down the line, to be another feather in my cap. I told him I had no intention of advancing; been there done that and hated every soul sucking second of it. "You never know what you'll want down the road, I didn't want to either when I first started here," is about all I can get out of him whenever I try to convince him of my sincerity.
So, the Goals have become my battle ground to prove my resolve to stay put. Clearly they have only seen the genial, hard working, supportive Meredith. They have not met the Meredith that is unrelenting when she finds something worth being stubborn and difficult over. It doesn't happen often, but when it does...
At first I flatly refused to do the Goals. John, being the nice guy he is, wasn't really sure how to handle it. That and I think he was genuinely confused by the temper I was obviously trying to keep in check. He offered to sit down and help me with it. I am a lil fuzzy on this point in time because I was actually quite angry. I have a feeling I may have challenged him to "try it." He dropped it for a week. Then he brought it back up, I got angry again and shot it down again. I think he started avoiding it after that, so I started bringing it up. Not that I wanted to do them, but nobody would notice my being obstinate if I didn't engage somebody on the matter. One afternoon I sent John an email saying I wanted to see the policy that stated I had to do them. When he got it the next day, he was not at all pleased. I told him I'm not trying to take it out on him specifically, that I don't want to shoot the messenger and what not. That I was doing it on principal. I couldn't explain what the principal was because I have a hard time articulating on the spot. I'd much rather have gone to his boss over it as she is what I consider the corporate face of our production department, but I don't want to make John look bad. He started to try and find the policy. That day he was just so overwhelmed by things he had to get done I felt like liquid shit for making it harder on him. I've been in his shoes, I like the guy, I hated seeing him suffer and knowing that I had contributed to it.
So I changed tactic. I did the goals, as much as it made me want to roll naked on broken glass, I did them. I did one for John...one that would have to be done as it's regular training for my job. The other two? To take the company's online Word and Excel classes. Not that it matters as I have no intention of doing them. Yes, I went for the softer line, but ultimately they can't give me a sparkly review next year and even if the higher ups didn't get to see the other side of me, poor John did. Maybe now that I have my thoughts together now I can actually talk to him about what it is all about. I don't really care if it costs me a pay raise. There's no price for happiness.
I've worked in management before, so I recognize when somebody is probing to see how open I'd be to "developing my career." I've been on both sides of that coin before. I changed industries to get away from being automatically recruited into management training. I've as much as told my supervisor that when he starts to say how I'd make a better supervisor than him. I'd been counting on my technical inexperience and lack of knowledge to trump any perceived "leadership potential." It's worked now for the better part of six years. I think the problem is that the group I work in is small. We have field technicians, production (me and my cronies), HR, IT, Admin...ok just everybody in one building. It's not as easy to just keep your head down and go unnoticed when there are only 30 or 40 people in the building on any given day. Especially when you're on really good terms with your supervisor.
I knew within 5 min of meeting John that we were going to get along just swimmingly. Same work ethic, same age group, similar dork-isms, etc. That and he is just a great guy, somebody you could kick back with and have a beer...the older brother I never had. The man is willing to teach me whatever he knows because I soak it up like a sponge. And why wouldn't I? I love being able to do more handy things, expand my abilities as an assembler. He's just as fond of me. So he tells his boss how great I am. How I help him with the other assemblers and how quickly I adapt...and so on.
I got an awesome raise this year. I mean, it's not a lot, but it was the most they were budgeted to give me and they said I earned it. I know I did. I'm not so much the kiss-ass as much as I just like to do a good job and have people like me for it, not because I want to get ahead. Generally all I need is a pat on the head and a "good girl," and I'm set. But I took a hefty pay cut to work at this place and even a small percentage helps out as far as my man is concerned. The pay cut is another long story, but suffice it to say I hated every minute of my last year at that company and I learned that no job is worth my happiness or sanity.
The problem I had with my stellar review and pay raise is that John, bless his heart, said more than once that I've stepped into the role of an "unofficial team leader." It's true, I have a knack for putting myself in that position; when there's a need for somebody to have a backbone and nobody else will do it. I don't have the patience for standing around and listening to "I dunno, what do you think we should do?" and the response being the same question parroted back. Or the classic situation where somebody has a question but they're too shy to ask John. It makes me want to pull my hair out and scream. Then the other people that work outside our department come to me when/if John isn't in because I have a better grasp of what's going on than the other assemblers.
You may ask, what is wrong with all of that? My answer is "nothing if I wanted to be more than just a working (albeit helpful) grunt." The problem with being in management, especially in this group, is that there's always something else they want to add to your list of responsibilities. It's like they just keep it coming and wait to see what your breaking point is. I understand the need for a company to develop talent and take advantage of it, but when should the individual in question draw the line? Should it be the 70 hour work weeks for 40 hours of pay? The toll it takes on your health? How much should you let it take away from your family life? The problem is that unless you thrive under pressure, unless you have some kind of internal mechanism that separates your professional and personal life it's going to make you unhappy and you'll end up with a lot of personal regrets. Or at least that's my experience.
I'm the sort that handles one thing at a time really well...and that's it. I'm glad that I made the venture into management early in life, before I got married, before I start a family. It's given me the opportunity to really understand how I respond to stress and what my real priorities are. True, they offer help in finding that balance between your personal and professional lives, but I truly feel I've found that balance already. I can do good work, be proud of it, and still have time for my husband, the work we have to do in order to have children, and my martial arts workout/outlet. To be honest, this is the happiest I've been with my personal and professional balance. I tell John this and he still insists that he and his boss want to develop me into more than I want to be.
So, now that I've got all that explanation out of the way, back to the topic of Goals. The system they have set up is only going to work well for management. They want you to set relevant (I understand that one), acheivable (again, I get that), and measurable goals. It's the measurable part that I don't like so much. We measure cables and gaskets. Not once have I been told to keep track of how much waste I make or how often my work is rejected by quality assurance. I wouldn't know how to come up with that information. We're not privy to such things, nor do we care to be. That's what management is there for. I don't know what kind of training I might want/need outside of what they require of us. When I set a goal for myself at work, it's to get organized or to take better production notes...not really something with a metric. When you use the Goal program's "help" in order to come up with something to put down, everything they suggest is something for management. Things about quarterly reports and spearheading programs and such non-sense. When I see this, it literally makes me feel like I should twist my own head off. They never required goals before this year, and I've never been asked to have goals anywhere else. It's not that I couldn't come up with some kinda bullshit to put in there, but if we're expected to achieve our goals, they should give us something we can actually work with.
When I first told John that we shouldn't have to do them, that they were corporate bullshit, just trying to get us to write something for the sake of writing something, he tried to explain that setting these Goals are good for us. That even if I'm not thinking about advancing now, it would go a long way to help down the line, to be another feather in my cap. I told him I had no intention of advancing; been there done that and hated every soul sucking second of it. "You never know what you'll want down the road, I didn't want to either when I first started here," is about all I can get out of him whenever I try to convince him of my sincerity.
So, the Goals have become my battle ground to prove my resolve to stay put. Clearly they have only seen the genial, hard working, supportive Meredith. They have not met the Meredith that is unrelenting when she finds something worth being stubborn and difficult over. It doesn't happen often, but when it does...
At first I flatly refused to do the Goals. John, being the nice guy he is, wasn't really sure how to handle it. That and I think he was genuinely confused by the temper I was obviously trying to keep in check. He offered to sit down and help me with it. I am a lil fuzzy on this point in time because I was actually quite angry. I have a feeling I may have challenged him to "try it." He dropped it for a week. Then he brought it back up, I got angry again and shot it down again. I think he started avoiding it after that, so I started bringing it up. Not that I wanted to do them, but nobody would notice my being obstinate if I didn't engage somebody on the matter. One afternoon I sent John an email saying I wanted to see the policy that stated I had to do them. When he got it the next day, he was not at all pleased. I told him I'm not trying to take it out on him specifically, that I don't want to shoot the messenger and what not. That I was doing it on principal. I couldn't explain what the principal was because I have a hard time articulating on the spot. I'd much rather have gone to his boss over it as she is what I consider the corporate face of our production department, but I don't want to make John look bad. He started to try and find the policy. That day he was just so overwhelmed by things he had to get done I felt like liquid shit for making it harder on him. I've been in his shoes, I like the guy, I hated seeing him suffer and knowing that I had contributed to it.
So I changed tactic. I did the goals, as much as it made me want to roll naked on broken glass, I did them. I did one for John...one that would have to be done as it's regular training for my job. The other two? To take the company's online Word and Excel classes. Not that it matters as I have no intention of doing them. Yes, I went for the softer line, but ultimately they can't give me a sparkly review next year and even if the higher ups didn't get to see the other side of me, poor John did. Maybe now that I have my thoughts together now I can actually talk to him about what it is all about. I don't really care if it costs me a pay raise. There's no price for happiness.
Out of Action
Out of action on two fronts. I haven't been able to train for two weeks now. It's amazing how one little thing can cause such a bizarre injury. We were warming up in BJJ and one of the exercises is something called a forward roll. It's pretty much a somersault starting from a standing position. I've not done them enough to be truly comfortable with them, but I've about got the hang of it...or so I thought. The class was overcrowded and that makes me self conscious. I'm completely comfy in Muay Thai, but BJJ is something new and I don't know my classmates all that well. I hit the mat with my nerves and ended up injuring my ribs. The doctor was pretty sure that the pop I heard as my ass passed over my head mid roll was the cartilage. The x-rays didn't show any damage to the bone. For the past two weeks I've had to clench my jaws and suppress a scream every time I've had to sneeze, belch, cough, or roll over in bed. I've been pretty good to my injury except for when I'm asleep. That's when I start dreaming about training and fighting. I've never even been in a fight, but I guess it's the way my subconscious is dealing with my lack of physical outlet. The problem though; I'm a low level "sleep walker." I don't actually get up out of bed anymore, like I did as a child, but I still act out a lot in my sleep. (My poor husband puts up with a lot, I tell ya.) So I'll wake up in the morning and feel like I did when I'd just injured my ribs. I sneezed today and didn't feel like putting my fist through the wall, so I think I'm ready to go back to Muay Thai, starting Monday. I'll give BJJ another week.
The second thing that's out of action is the IVF cycle we'd been preparing for in April. We have AWESOME insurance coverage for infertility. The clinic says it will cover multiple rounds at 90% which is absolutely unheard of. Unfortunately we have to get all our meds through the mail. We've not had a problem with the company they require for the fertility meds in the past. They get the orders done and out the door the next day because, well, biology works on it's own time line and waits for no man! The clinic called the Rx in to the place about a month ago, I had plenty of time. I waited until a couple weeks ago to call them back with our payment option for covering what insurance wouldn't. We assumed that our awesome coverage would be awesome for the meds as well. The lady that took our credit card number said she couldn't tell me how much it would cost after insurance because they don't apply said insurance until they're ready to ship. I got a phone call today, around 4:30 saying that they'd tried to run our card and that it had been declined. "Well, how much are you trying to charge?" I asked. When the guy said $5,500+ my jaw hit the floor. I guess that's why they say that to assume makes an ass out of u and me. Paul scrambled to see where we could pull that kind of money together and it just wasn't feasible. The reason we'd been rushing to do IVF in April? Paul's group got bought out by a different company and his insurance was supposed to change in June. Although we'd had success getting pregnant on our own, we opted to do IVF just in case because, well, what were the odds we'd ever have such awesome coverage again? Pretty damn good it seems. They've given us the exact same coverage. So there's no hurry now. I suppose it all works out, but Paul is just devastated. Not because of the cost, but because he wants to be a dad sooooo badly. He'd even canceled a business trip to help me through the process. His bosses are going to be pissed now that we can't do it. I, on the other hand, am pretty damn content. I can pop two vicodin and hardly feel it. I'd know, that's what they gave me for my ribs. I don't even get drowsy from benadryl. Give me hormones, however, and I'm a total wreck. I'm so sensitive that sometimes other people's hormones screw me up. There are some people at work I can find with my nose, not because of their perfume, or aftershave, but because of their natural odor/pheromones. My cycle syncs up with which ever female I spend the most time with and if I spend too much time around menopausal women I get crazy hot flashes. So to say that I wasn't looking forward to all the synthetic hormones they were going to pump me full of is a bit of an understatement. I'm really excited that we get the chance to try the old fashioned way while we save up the money.
The second thing that's out of action is the IVF cycle we'd been preparing for in April. We have AWESOME insurance coverage for infertility. The clinic says it will cover multiple rounds at 90% which is absolutely unheard of. Unfortunately we have to get all our meds through the mail. We've not had a problem with the company they require for the fertility meds in the past. They get the orders done and out the door the next day because, well, biology works on it's own time line and waits for no man! The clinic called the Rx in to the place about a month ago, I had plenty of time. I waited until a couple weeks ago to call them back with our payment option for covering what insurance wouldn't. We assumed that our awesome coverage would be awesome for the meds as well. The lady that took our credit card number said she couldn't tell me how much it would cost after insurance because they don't apply said insurance until they're ready to ship. I got a phone call today, around 4:30 saying that they'd tried to run our card and that it had been declined. "Well, how much are you trying to charge?" I asked. When the guy said $5,500+ my jaw hit the floor. I guess that's why they say that to assume makes an ass out of u and me. Paul scrambled to see where we could pull that kind of money together and it just wasn't feasible. The reason we'd been rushing to do IVF in April? Paul's group got bought out by a different company and his insurance was supposed to change in June. Although we'd had success getting pregnant on our own, we opted to do IVF just in case because, well, what were the odds we'd ever have such awesome coverage again? Pretty damn good it seems. They've given us the exact same coverage. So there's no hurry now. I suppose it all works out, but Paul is just devastated. Not because of the cost, but because he wants to be a dad sooooo badly. He'd even canceled a business trip to help me through the process. His bosses are going to be pissed now that we can't do it. I, on the other hand, am pretty damn content. I can pop two vicodin and hardly feel it. I'd know, that's what they gave me for my ribs. I don't even get drowsy from benadryl. Give me hormones, however, and I'm a total wreck. I'm so sensitive that sometimes other people's hormones screw me up. There are some people at work I can find with my nose, not because of their perfume, or aftershave, but because of their natural odor/pheromones. My cycle syncs up with which ever female I spend the most time with and if I spend too much time around menopausal women I get crazy hot flashes. So to say that I wasn't looking forward to all the synthetic hormones they were going to pump me full of is a bit of an understatement. I'm really excited that we get the chance to try the old fashioned way while we save up the money.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Why I Did It
About two years ago, a co-worker made some unwelcome physical advances and I froze up. I'd always had this plan in my head if something like that were ever to happen; kick to the groin, eye gouge, and run. It's really not a BAD plan, quite effective really, however if you're a gentle soul and you've not rehearsed it, you're not likely to pull it off. I'd go into the emotional ramifications; the self doubt, the guilt (yup, felt guilty), and the shame of having to tell your husband the next day...but that's not what I'm getting at here. I had never been in a fight, never intentionally harmed somebody, never had a harsh word to say, never rocked the boat. I was completely unprepared to defend myself, verbally or physically. He put his hands on me, but thankfully that's all he did. It could have been far worse. It cemented my resolve to explore the martial arts.
I'd really only started my trek into infertility at the time. I don't kid myself and claim to be an expert, but when the Doc told me that losing weight would go a long way to making for a successful pregnancy, I did start looking into work outs. At my heaviest I was probably 29o lbs. That's a LOT of weight for a 5' 5" body. I'd always been rather muscular under the marshmallow fluff, but that was in no way an excuse for getting as bad as I was. Mind you, the last twenty lbs were gained during an accidental and tragically short pregnancy, it was still a ridiculous amount of weight to gain in an eight week period. I think I had whittled my way down 15 lbs through a drastic change in diet, but it came off at a pace that would make snails impatient. I'd tried working out from home, but I never managed to keep up with it. I tried yoga. *yawn* I fell asleep in more than one class. It's not for everybody. I'd wanted so badly to try martial arts, but I'd never had the guts. I'd even shopped around for schools. Then the workplace incident happened and I pretty much decided it was time to get over my insecurity and just do it.
They did an "intro" to go over the basic strikes, so I could get a feel for it. Then came a group class. I was the only overweight person in the room. I felt like a fish out of water. But all these beautiful, physically fit people around me did not treat me like I had plague. They worked with me. They didn't make me feel like I was in the wrong place. So I signed up. I don't think anybody expected me to stick with it, but I did. They pushed me to challenge myself. There were times where they pushed too hard for my heavy body to keep up, but I didn't stop. Whenever another big girl started a class, I went out of my way to at least talk to her, tell her how wonderful these people are. How there isn't that gym/jock mentality. They would start classes with gusto, then they would disappear. Don't get me wrong, it's not for everybody, but I was always disappointed when it happened. Made me question how much longer it would be before I just gave up too. But I love, love, love Muay Thai. As long as I have the money and the time, I will continue on. I've been with my academy for almost two and a half years now. I've been in the advanced group for over a year and people call dibs on being my training partner before class even starts. It's not because I'm good at Muay Thai, it's because I'm loved. Who'd have thought that something that by it's very violent nature would foster such affection between it's practitioners?
I'd really only started my trek into infertility at the time. I don't kid myself and claim to be an expert, but when the Doc told me that losing weight would go a long way to making for a successful pregnancy, I did start looking into work outs. At my heaviest I was probably 29o lbs. That's a LOT of weight for a 5' 5" body. I'd always been rather muscular under the marshmallow fluff, but that was in no way an excuse for getting as bad as I was. Mind you, the last twenty lbs were gained during an accidental and tragically short pregnancy, it was still a ridiculous amount of weight to gain in an eight week period. I think I had whittled my way down 15 lbs through a drastic change in diet, but it came off at a pace that would make snails impatient. I'd tried working out from home, but I never managed to keep up with it. I tried yoga. *yawn* I fell asleep in more than one class. It's not for everybody. I'd wanted so badly to try martial arts, but I'd never had the guts. I'd even shopped around for schools. Then the workplace incident happened and I pretty much decided it was time to get over my insecurity and just do it.
They did an "intro" to go over the basic strikes, so I could get a feel for it. Then came a group class. I was the only overweight person in the room. I felt like a fish out of water. But all these beautiful, physically fit people around me did not treat me like I had plague. They worked with me. They didn't make me feel like I was in the wrong place. So I signed up. I don't think anybody expected me to stick with it, but I did. They pushed me to challenge myself. There were times where they pushed too hard for my heavy body to keep up, but I didn't stop. Whenever another big girl started a class, I went out of my way to at least talk to her, tell her how wonderful these people are. How there isn't that gym/jock mentality. They would start classes with gusto, then they would disappear. Don't get me wrong, it's not for everybody, but I was always disappointed when it happened. Made me question how much longer it would be before I just gave up too. But I love, love, love Muay Thai. As long as I have the money and the time, I will continue on. I've been with my academy for almost two and a half years now. I've been in the advanced group for over a year and people call dibs on being my training partner before class even starts. It's not because I'm good at Muay Thai, it's because I'm loved. Who'd have thought that something that by it's very violent nature would foster such affection between it's practitioners?
Saturday, March 13, 2010
My First Post
I'm not bragging or anything, but I puked about 30 min ago. That puts it at about 1:30AM, eastern time, and I decided to start a blog shortly thereafter. Not that I think blogging and vomiting fall into the same category, but hey, inspiration sometimes strikes at odd times. That and I need something to occupy myself until I'm sure my stomach has settled back down. This isn't my first attempt at blogging. I used to post constantly to an online journal, but it was mostly for my personal musings. I'm not saying I won't do ANY of that here, but I plan on mostly documenting my odd trek into martial arts, weight management, and infertility. I've been at it all for about two years now, so I'll be posting as much about the past as I am the present.
I'll have to leave my intro a lil'bit early though as I feel another bout of nausea coming over.
I'll have to leave my intro a lil'bit early though as I feel another bout of nausea coming over.
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