It's been a while sense I wrote anything here. Paul and I didn't get the opportunity to conceive this month because he was on travel...no surprise there. That's half our fertility problem right there.

I had an appointment with a genetic counselor on thursday to discuss my Factor V mutation. She explained everything I already knew; that I only have one mutated gene, not both (meaning I got the bad gene from ONE parent, not both), that there's a 50% chance that I could pass it on to offspring, that if the offspring cannot pass on the mutation if they do not have it, that I've a higher risk of having a baby with birth defects (if I don't get enough folic acid because my body doesn't absorb it as well) or having a baby with down syndrome...etc. She told me something I found very interesting, however. During our conversation, I mentioned that I'd lost my previous pregnancies in the first trimester. She told me that miscarriages attributed to Factor V happen in the second; that most first trimester miscarriages are due to chromosome problems. I'm no idiot, but I can't explain what she tried to tell me about chromosomes and the order they should be in, how many there should be, but she did tell me there is a test. I called my doctors office to see if they'd run a Karotype test and they hadn't. I'll have to call my insurance company to see if they cover the test. It would be nice to know if my trying is futile. It would save us a lot of time and grief if it turns out that my genes are just not capable of being passed on. Either way, we'd be able to plan the next step accordingly...be it finding a donor or to keep on trying the way we have.

I haven't lost any weight in almost a year. My body is stubbornly refusing to go under 220 lbs which is irking the hell outta me. I don't know what it is...I diet, I work out, I've taken the diet Rx the doc gave me, why can't I progress? I would be happy if the scales were slowly working their way down. Just a couple pounds a month is all I'm asking, it's not unhealthy. I've lost most of my will power to diet, just because my body has adapted it's ability to retain in response to the 1600 calorie diet (any less would not be enough to support a person as active as I am). I know, I've tried. I've changed up my work out routine in hopes that a different type of exercise would kick my metabolism in gear. So, what's going to happen to me when I can't work out like this anymore? Be it pregnancy/motherhood, or my heavy body breaking down from being worked so hard, or old age...someday it will happen. I don't want surgery, but what else is there left?

I know it's been a while sense I've posted. I'm just tired of doctors and waiting for one thing or another. I know I don't have much longer before my fertility is completely spent because of my low ovarian reserve, but Paul is out of town and it's nice to have a little break from trying to conceive. Obviously last month didn't work out for us. I'm waiting to hear back from my orthopedic surgeon and hematologist to see what the verdict is on my odds for knee surgery. But, that's not making me anxious. I'm glad to have this time to really focus on just martial arts. I was going to just take it easy, but my knees were actually getting worse for not working out.

I started back into Muay Thai first and settled in pretty well. I missed it so much! Not just the art itself, but the people that I practice it with. One night this week my kicks were perfect. I'm not one for patting myself on the back, but damn...I was in awe of those kicks! They were effortless and I had absolute control over them. There were little things that I was doing much better too. It was a great night for Muay Thai. I started back into jiu-jitsu after that class and was completely humbled...knocked off my pedestal and smooshed. It's very frustrating. I guess I'm just not used to being the one that doesn't know what they're doing. I had to call my brother that night because I was just so upset with the sport. He reminded me that I'd missed a lot and that really hurts your game. "More so when you're just starting out. It's normal to spend the first six months or so for things to even start making sense," he said. I had to ask "Is it normal to have to keep yourself from biting? I really had to convince myself not to." "Yup, that's normal, especially if they've got side control. You'll want to kick and punch and bite and claw." He went on to say that it's the frustration that makes jiu-jitsu one of the most difficult martial arts to learn. Most people give up before they start to get it. I was pretty close to wanting to quit last night. I got back from training and I had tiny bruises all over my face. They were maybe a quarter inch across at the most. All I could think was, I've been boxing...punched square in the head countless times for the better part of three years now and I've never had a bruise on my face. Never! Well, I guess my face will just have to toughen up like the rest of me now. All but the one on my chin cleared up by the next afternoon.

I'll keep boxing and use that to keep my confidence up while I struggle through my first year of grappling. I think I'll take time off from conceiving until after my first knee surgery.