I've been looking for something to keep me motivated. Anybody that trains knows that there are peaks and valleys involved. Motivation has not been difficult for me with Muay Thai, but BJJ is pushing my tolerance. I want to quit. Badly. If I do that, though, it will mean I am not living up to my potential. I KNOW I can do it, I just need to keep motivated. I've been slowly working my way through a book called "A Fighters Heart" by Sam Sheridan. It's probably not great literature, but it's nice to read. I really only crack it open when I'm dealing with my own valley. I picked up his second book "A Fighters Mind" for when I finish the other. I recently purchased Forrest Griffin's book, "Got Fight?" on a whim and I'm pleasantly surprised by it's content. Don't get me wrong, it's hyper testosterone and goofy, but there are quite a few gems in there. It's easy to read because it's entertaining. I'd actually recommend it!
So, having bolstered my resolve in the jiu-jitsu department, I decided to figure out what's "wrong" with the situation. Ok, I don't like they way they teach it at my academy. I was diagnosed early in life with learning disabilities (yeah, I know it sounds like bullshit, but I've seen enough in my lifetime to know I am wired completely different than most people) and I know the method they use to teach does not work for me in that regard. Especially with life making it difficult to get into class on a regular basis. I think I am going to drop the BJJ at the academy and then start doing private lessons with a friend...if she's still offering. The other problem is that they rearranged the Muay Thai class schedule so I can't do MT then BJJ right afterward. I've trained 6 days a week and it's just too much. I need my recovery days. That and I've become used to having two nights during the week to spend with, ya know, that guy that I sometimes live with when he's not traveling.
As far as pregnancy goes, we're trying again this month the old fashioned way. I should be ovulating sometime next weekend. Wish me luck!
Monday, July 5, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
It's been a while sense I wrote anything here. Paul and I didn't get the opportunity to conceive this month because he was on travel...no surprise there. That's half our fertility problem right there.
I had an appointment with a genetic counselor on thursday to discuss my Factor V mutation. She explained everything I already knew; that I only have one mutated gene, not both (meaning I got the bad gene from ONE parent, not both), that there's a 50% chance that I could pass it on to offspring, that if the offspring cannot pass on the mutation if they do not have it, that I've a higher risk of having a baby with birth defects (if I don't get enough folic acid because my body doesn't absorb it as well) or having a baby with down syndrome...etc. She told me something I found very interesting, however. During our conversation, I mentioned that I'd lost my previous pregnancies in the first trimester. She told me that miscarriages attributed to Factor V happen in the second; that most first trimester miscarriages are due to chromosome problems. I'm no idiot, but I can't explain what she tried to tell me about chromosomes and the order they should be in, how many there should be, but she did tell me there is a test. I called my doctors office to see if they'd run a Karotype test and they hadn't. I'll have to call my insurance company to see if they cover the test. It would be nice to know if my trying is futile. It would save us a lot of time and grief if it turns out that my genes are just not capable of being passed on. Either way, we'd be able to plan the next step accordingly...be it finding a donor or to keep on trying the way we have.
I haven't lost any weight in almost a year. My body is stubbornly refusing to go under 220 lbs which is irking the hell outta me. I don't know what it is...I diet, I work out, I've taken the diet Rx the doc gave me, why can't I progress? I would be happy if the scales were slowly working their way down. Just a couple pounds a month is all I'm asking, it's not unhealthy. I've lost most of my will power to diet, just because my body has adapted it's ability to retain in response to the 1600 calorie diet (any less would not be enough to support a person as active as I am). I know, I've tried. I've changed up my work out routine in hopes that a different type of exercise would kick my metabolism in gear. So, what's going to happen to me when I can't work out like this anymore? Be it pregnancy/motherhood, or my heavy body breaking down from being worked so hard, or old age...someday it will happen. I don't want surgery, but what else is there left?
I had an appointment with a genetic counselor on thursday to discuss my Factor V mutation. She explained everything I already knew; that I only have one mutated gene, not both (meaning I got the bad gene from ONE parent, not both), that there's a 50% chance that I could pass it on to offspring, that if the offspring cannot pass on the mutation if they do not have it, that I've a higher risk of having a baby with birth defects (if I don't get enough folic acid because my body doesn't absorb it as well) or having a baby with down syndrome...etc. She told me something I found very interesting, however. During our conversation, I mentioned that I'd lost my previous pregnancies in the first trimester. She told me that miscarriages attributed to Factor V happen in the second; that most first trimester miscarriages are due to chromosome problems. I'm no idiot, but I can't explain what she tried to tell me about chromosomes and the order they should be in, how many there should be, but she did tell me there is a test. I called my doctors office to see if they'd run a Karotype test and they hadn't. I'll have to call my insurance company to see if they cover the test. It would be nice to know if my trying is futile. It would save us a lot of time and grief if it turns out that my genes are just not capable of being passed on. Either way, we'd be able to plan the next step accordingly...be it finding a donor or to keep on trying the way we have.
I haven't lost any weight in almost a year. My body is stubbornly refusing to go under 220 lbs which is irking the hell outta me. I don't know what it is...I diet, I work out, I've taken the diet Rx the doc gave me, why can't I progress? I would be happy if the scales were slowly working their way down. Just a couple pounds a month is all I'm asking, it's not unhealthy. I've lost most of my will power to diet, just because my body has adapted it's ability to retain in response to the 1600 calorie diet (any less would not be enough to support a person as active as I am). I know, I've tried. I've changed up my work out routine in hopes that a different type of exercise would kick my metabolism in gear. So, what's going to happen to me when I can't work out like this anymore? Be it pregnancy/motherhood, or my heavy body breaking down from being worked so hard, or old age...someday it will happen. I don't want surgery, but what else is there left?
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I know it's been a while sense I've posted. I'm just tired of doctors and waiting for one thing or another. I know I don't have much longer before my fertility is completely spent because of my low ovarian reserve, but Paul is out of town and it's nice to have a little break from trying to conceive. Obviously last month didn't work out for us. I'm waiting to hear back from my orthopedic surgeon and hematologist to see what the verdict is on my odds for knee surgery. But, that's not making me anxious. I'm glad to have this time to really focus on just martial arts. I was going to just take it easy, but my knees were actually getting worse for not working out.
I started back into Muay Thai first and settled in pretty well. I missed it so much! Not just the art itself, but the people that I practice it with. One night this week my kicks were perfect. I'm not one for patting myself on the back, but damn...I was in awe of those kicks! They were effortless and I had absolute control over them. There were little things that I was doing much better too. It was a great night for Muay Thai. I started back into jiu-jitsu after that class and was completely humbled...knocked off my pedestal and smooshed. It's very frustrating. I guess I'm just not used to being the one that doesn't know what they're doing. I had to call my brother that night because I was just so upset with the sport. He reminded me that I'd missed a lot and that really hurts your game. "More so when you're just starting out. It's normal to spend the first six months or so for things to even start making sense," he said. I had to ask "Is it normal to have to keep yourself from biting? I really had to convince myself not to." "Yup, that's normal, especially if they've got side control. You'll want to kick and punch and bite and claw." He went on to say that it's the frustration that makes jiu-jitsu one of the most difficult martial arts to learn. Most people give up before they start to get it. I was pretty close to wanting to quit last night. I got back from training and I had tiny bruises all over my face. They were maybe a quarter inch across at the most. All I could think was, I've been boxing...punched square in the head countless times for the better part of three years now and I've never had a bruise on my face. Never! Well, I guess my face will just have to toughen up like the rest of me now. All but the one on my chin cleared up by the next afternoon.
I'll keep boxing and use that to keep my confidence up while I struggle through my first year of grappling. I think I'll take time off from conceiving until after my first knee surgery.
I started back into Muay Thai first and settled in pretty well. I missed it so much! Not just the art itself, but the people that I practice it with. One night this week my kicks were perfect. I'm not one for patting myself on the back, but damn...I was in awe of those kicks! They were effortless and I had absolute control over them. There were little things that I was doing much better too. It was a great night for Muay Thai. I started back into jiu-jitsu after that class and was completely humbled...knocked off my pedestal and smooshed. It's very frustrating. I guess I'm just not used to being the one that doesn't know what they're doing. I had to call my brother that night because I was just so upset with the sport. He reminded me that I'd missed a lot and that really hurts your game. "More so when you're just starting out. It's normal to spend the first six months or so for things to even start making sense," he said. I had to ask "Is it normal to have to keep yourself from biting? I really had to convince myself not to." "Yup, that's normal, especially if they've got side control. You'll want to kick and punch and bite and claw." He went on to say that it's the frustration that makes jiu-jitsu one of the most difficult martial arts to learn. Most people give up before they start to get it. I was pretty close to wanting to quit last night. I got back from training and I had tiny bruises all over my face. They were maybe a quarter inch across at the most. All I could think was, I've been boxing...punched square in the head countless times for the better part of three years now and I've never had a bruise on my face. Never! Well, I guess my face will just have to toughen up like the rest of me now. All but the one on my chin cleared up by the next afternoon.
I'll keep boxing and use that to keep my confidence up while I struggle through my first year of grappling. I think I'll take time off from conceiving until after my first knee surgery.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I've been working insane hours. We have a ridiculous deadline and there are only twentyfour hours in the day. So, the long and the short.
They figured out why I can't stay pregnant. I have a genetic disorder that makes my blood all clotty. This pretty much smothers the embryo. It's treatable through pregnancy with blood thinners. The disorder makes me twice as likely to experience deep vein clots that could, ya know, kill me. *scarcastic yay*
And then...
The orthopedist says I need knee surgery. However I can't have the surgery that will fix my pain because I'm too active and I have a physical job and it would pretty much force me into a more sedentary life. So they're planning on a surgery that is more or less temporary. He says the only major complication of this outpatient surgery is...c l o t s. I'd just found out about the blood disorder the day before, so I hadn't procured a blood-doc. Orthopedist said I'd have to meet with one before I do surgery.
And all this in the middle of ovulating. We made the attempt, we'll see how it goes in two weeks. I get to give myself injectable blood thinners until they say "not pregnant." If I am pregnant, I get to keep up the injections. I'm also planning on going back to training. I've been out for about a month because of my knees.
Ugh.
They figured out why I can't stay pregnant. I have a genetic disorder that makes my blood all clotty. This pretty much smothers the embryo. It's treatable through pregnancy with blood thinners. The disorder makes me twice as likely to experience deep vein clots that could, ya know, kill me. *scarcastic yay*
And then...
The orthopedist says I need knee surgery. However I can't have the surgery that will fix my pain because I'm too active and I have a physical job and it would pretty much force me into a more sedentary life. So they're planning on a surgery that is more or less temporary. He says the only major complication of this outpatient surgery is...c l o t s. I'd just found out about the blood disorder the day before, so I hadn't procured a blood-doc. Orthopedist said I'd have to meet with one before I do surgery.
And all this in the middle of ovulating. We made the attempt, we'll see how it goes in two weeks. I get to give myself injectable blood thinners until they say "not pregnant." If I am pregnant, I get to keep up the injections. I'm also planning on going back to training. I've been out for about a month because of my knees.
Ugh.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Crap, not pregnant. Hopefully Paul won't be outta town when I ovulate in May. I think we're going to take a break from the fertility clinic for a while and try on our own again. It feels like every time we try with them, they screw with my hormones and it doesn't work. I think I'm over the PCO hump to be honest. As long as I hold off weight gain and keep taking my metformin, I'll be fine.
I've been out of training though. My knees are killing me! They've been bad sense before I started Muay Thai. Last year I went to my orthopedist and he sent me to physical therapy. I learned the exercises and the knees got better, to where they only really hurt after a heavy workout. Well, I stopped the physical therapy and was doing great for a while. Then I got out of the habit of doing the kettle-bell work out...BAD BAD BAD! I think the kettle-bell was what was keeping those weak muscles in shape. Now I've got to start all over again with the physical therapy. :P Ooh well. I've not been 100% sense starting in the martial arts, but my knees are an ongoing issue and they frustrate me to no end!
I know I've mentioned having had a bad experience with a co-worker in the past. It's made me very sensitive to any kind of work place affetion. There's this older fellow at work. He's kinda slow and socially inept. He gives everybody the creeps. He sets off all my alarms without even having to open his mouth, then he insists on being over affectionate verbally. I mean, I don't mind hearing "you're a great employee," or "you have such positive energy, it's like a breath of fresh air," and such things. But when he says "Hey there, beautiful lady," or "There's my girl, that I adore," it's way over the top of what I'll tolerate. I know he doesn't mean anything creepy by it, but it freaks me out. He does it to the others, so it's not special treatment. My boss, John, to whom I am as close to as one professionally can be to their boss, got through a year and a half before he slipped and unknowingly called me "honey." Why can't this other guy address me by name alone? They've talked to him a little about it (on my behalf because I was too upset) in the past and he didn't do it for a while. He started up again last week and did it again today. I know I need to address the issue myself, talk to him directly. I'm not afraid of him, he's not going to retaliate. In fact I'm sure he'll be horrified that he upset me and probably worry about getting in trouble for harassment. The problem is that when he says those things to me it shoots me directly into my "red zone" and if I try to address the issue then, I'll only say awful horrible mean things to him. Then I'll get into trouble. John and I are supposed to have a meeting with him tomorrow about a project that we're all working on, so I may say something to him then. We'll see. It just pisses me off. :P
I've been out of training though. My knees are killing me! They've been bad sense before I started Muay Thai. Last year I went to my orthopedist and he sent me to physical therapy. I learned the exercises and the knees got better, to where they only really hurt after a heavy workout. Well, I stopped the physical therapy and was doing great for a while. Then I got out of the habit of doing the kettle-bell work out...BAD BAD BAD! I think the kettle-bell was what was keeping those weak muscles in shape. Now I've got to start all over again with the physical therapy. :P Ooh well. I've not been 100% sense starting in the martial arts, but my knees are an ongoing issue and they frustrate me to no end!
I know I've mentioned having had a bad experience with a co-worker in the past. It's made me very sensitive to any kind of work place affetion. There's this older fellow at work. He's kinda slow and socially inept. He gives everybody the creeps. He sets off all my alarms without even having to open his mouth, then he insists on being over affectionate verbally. I mean, I don't mind hearing "you're a great employee," or "you have such positive energy, it's like a breath of fresh air," and such things. But when he says "Hey there, beautiful lady," or "There's my girl, that I adore," it's way over the top of what I'll tolerate. I know he doesn't mean anything creepy by it, but it freaks me out. He does it to the others, so it's not special treatment. My boss, John, to whom I am as close to as one professionally can be to their boss, got through a year and a half before he slipped and unknowingly called me "honey." Why can't this other guy address me by name alone? They've talked to him a little about it (on my behalf because I was too upset) in the past and he didn't do it for a while. He started up again last week and did it again today. I know I need to address the issue myself, talk to him directly. I'm not afraid of him, he's not going to retaliate. In fact I'm sure he'll be horrified that he upset me and probably worry about getting in trouble for harassment. The problem is that when he says those things to me it shoots me directly into my "red zone" and if I try to address the issue then, I'll only say awful horrible mean things to him. Then I'll get into trouble. John and I are supposed to have a meeting with him tomorrow about a project that we're all working on, so I may say something to him then. We'll see. It just pisses me off. :P
Friday, April 23, 2010
Well, I took a pregnancy test this AM and it came up negative. It is still a little early to give up hope. I've already decided that I'll get the more expensive ovulation test kit next time. I think the kit I had this month was defective or contaminated. I'll pay a little more for the individually wrapped test applicator thingies.
I've been taking it easy with the jiu-jitsu due to the possibility of being pregnant. It's been nice having healing ribs as an excuse to not roll or train too hard. I'm back 100% at Muay Thai though. I did a two day seminar with Ajarn Surachai "Chai" Sirisute. It was GREAT! I have HUGE bruises from it.
Going to DC to visit my bro this weekend. Will probably do some BJJ while there. Taking my kettlebell with me.
I've been taking it easy with the jiu-jitsu due to the possibility of being pregnant. It's been nice having healing ribs as an excuse to not roll or train too hard. I'm back 100% at Muay Thai though. I did a two day seminar with Ajarn Surachai "Chai" Sirisute. It was GREAT! I have HUGE bruises from it.
Going to DC to visit my bro this weekend. Will probably do some BJJ while there. Taking my kettlebell with me.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Fingers Crossed
The doctor says it looks as though I did ovulate. They drew some blood and said they'd give me a call if it says otherwise. I've started to notice a couple of things that make me think we may be in luck, but I don't want to start gushing about them and have it turn out that I'm wrong.
Went to Muay Thai. It was a good class. I didn't walk out gassed but I was sweaty. I have been working in the mixed class which is mostly beginners. I like it though. You learn a little bit when you teach somebody something, remember something you forgot. And it's just nice to give back some of what that particular community has given you. I made it though an entire BJJ class, which makes me very happy. I didn't train hard, I was the odd person out, but I did all the techniques and didn't hurt myself. I'm feeling good about how my ribs are healing.
Went to Muay Thai. It was a good class. I didn't walk out gassed but I was sweaty. I have been working in the mixed class which is mostly beginners. I like it though. You learn a little bit when you teach somebody something, remember something you forgot. And it's just nice to give back some of what that particular community has given you. I made it though an entire BJJ class, which makes me very happy. I didn't train hard, I was the odd person out, but I did all the techniques and didn't hurt myself. I'm feeling good about how my ribs are healing.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Didn't go as planned
Well, Saturday we did the IUI. Rather, I did IUI. Paul just had a root canal and has been having a very hard time sleeping, eating, existing with the pain and couldn't get out of bed to attend. Yes, I was hurt, but he was for all purposes pretty damn sick. He felt pretty damn guilty so I left him be. I never had an LH spike, and Monday morning my belly started to hurt. The nurse I talked to at the clinic said that it could be that the follicle that was to release the egg may have turned into a cyst. Such things come with the hormone disorder I have, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Although it has been a VERY long time sense I've had a cyst and the few times they saw any on ultrasound I never felt the pain most women associate with them. So this whole thing is kinda weird. I have an ultrasound this morning, so hopefully they'll be able to tell me what's going on.
Friday, April 9, 2010
YAY!!
Ok, I told Paul that I don't want to tell anybody about what's going on this month in terms of fertility, however I don't think I can stop what I've already started here. I feel that the few people that know about this blog can keep it to themselves. Besides, if this does work, I'll probably end up having to ask some of the neighbors to help with injections when Paul travels. What's going to be hard is keeping the info from my sister in law and her hubby as they are living with us currently. I just don't want family prying and getting their hopes up. I don't want random friends to know and ask about how things went if nothing comes of this.
So, I had the ultrasound yesterday. They said I had six follicles on my ovaries, one of which was massive and ready to release an egg, I just wasn't having my LH surge. So they gave me an Rx for something called Ovidrel, an injection that would trigger ovulation in a set period of time. I had to take it at 9PM. I tried SO hard to give it to myself...but I just stood there in the bathroom unable to make myself do it. I had to call Paul (who was high on pain killers after his root canal) down from the TV room and have him do it. Besides, he needs to participate as much as possible. He's going to be giving me his own "personal injections" over the next few days anyway, he may as well give me the Ovidrel while he's at it! We have our appointment for IUI on Saturday morning. Everybody send prayers, happy thoughts, good vibrations...whatever you believe. I have a good feeling about this time.
So, I had the ultrasound yesterday. They said I had six follicles on my ovaries, one of which was massive and ready to release an egg, I just wasn't having my LH surge. So they gave me an Rx for something called Ovidrel, an injection that would trigger ovulation in a set period of time. I had to take it at 9PM. I tried SO hard to give it to myself...but I just stood there in the bathroom unable to make myself do it. I had to call Paul (who was high on pain killers after his root canal) down from the TV room and have him do it. Besides, he needs to participate as much as possible. He's going to be giving me his own "personal injections" over the next few days anyway, he may as well give me the Ovidrel while he's at it! We have our appointment for IUI on Saturday morning. Everybody send prayers, happy thoughts, good vibrations...whatever you believe. I have a good feeling about this time.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Dr appts
Going for an ultrasound this Thursday. They're more or less going to look at my ovaries to see if I'm getting ready to pop out an egg. Wish me luck!
Paul on the other hand is getting ready for substantial dental work over the next two weeks. He's gotta have a root canal and a bunch of fillings. The dentist was flabbergasted when Paul expressed the desire to have it all done by the 23rd as he is getting ready to go out of town again. That's the problem with a job that one must travel for. Not only is it hard to be around to get your wife pregnant, but it's also damn near impossible to schedule regular maintenance.
Paul on the other hand is getting ready for substantial dental work over the next two weeks. He's gotta have a root canal and a bunch of fillings. The dentist was flabbergasted when Paul expressed the desire to have it all done by the 23rd as he is getting ready to go out of town again. That's the problem with a job that one must travel for. Not only is it hard to be around to get your wife pregnant, but it's also damn near impossible to schedule regular maintenance.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
The Plan and Agatha
Paul and I had some time to talk this weekend about what we plan to do in place of IVF. I have my ovulation test kit ready to go. I'll call the clinic when I have my LH (luteinizing hormone) surge, and they'll get me in for IUI (artificial insemination) and we'll supplement that by "gettin' busy" (intercourse) from start to finish of the LH surge. We accomplished our most recent pregnancy with just the "gettin' busy" method, so I'm pretty confident that it will work this time around as well.
I was speaking to one of my co-workers that knows about our pregnancy attempts. I hadn't told her that I was gearing up for IVF...but she said she knew something was up because I'd not been acting like myself. She recalled in incident where a fellow co-worker asked me a simple yes or no question. It seems I bit the poor mans head off and didn't realize it. She said we needed to come up with a code word or a name for this "alter-ego" so she could discreetly let me know when I'm acting like an dick. We decided to name the fanged-one Agatha...as in aggravation, anger, aggressor. All she has to do is say "Agatha" and I'll know to shut up. Hopefully Agatha won't be making an appearance again anytime soon as I'm off the hormone they had me taking, but we're ready if she does!
I was speaking to one of my co-workers that knows about our pregnancy attempts. I hadn't told her that I was gearing up for IVF...but she said she knew something was up because I'd not been acting like myself. She recalled in incident where a fellow co-worker asked me a simple yes or no question. It seems I bit the poor mans head off and didn't realize it. She said we needed to come up with a code word or a name for this "alter-ego" so she could discreetly let me know when I'm acting like an dick. We decided to name the fanged-one Agatha...as in aggravation, anger, aggressor. All she has to do is say "Agatha" and I'll know to shut up. Hopefully Agatha won't be making an appearance again anytime soon as I'm off the hormone they had me taking, but we're ready if she does!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Back in the Saddle!
A friend of mine from Muay Thai shot me a text to see if I was planning on going to class this afternoon. I have to admit I'd been considering it and knowing a buddy was going to be there kinda tipped the scales. It was very satisfying. I'd planned on showering at the gym and then starting my errands, but the guy teaching the class worked us hard and I'm two weeks out of shape. That's bad considering my "in shape" is still technically "way outta shape." I went home instead and spent thirty minutes or so in the bath and then took a long nap. I woke up starving. I was seriously craving some beans and rice, but the kitchen was a wreck and I was too hungry to wait for the time it would take to clean and cook. So I ended up eating the beans directly from the can and Doritos by the fist full. I know, it's bachelor chow, but it's all I had time and patience for. If I'd have ventured out to the garage where Paul and his friends were hanging out, I'd have found hot dogs and mac&cheese. *sigh*
My ribs hurt, but not as bad as I thought they might. I think I'll just got to the beginner classes until I'm back to normal. I just have to say there is nothing so satisfying as punching; the impact that you feel all the way up to your shoulders and across your back. The smack of glove on bag. Gawd I missed it!
My ribs hurt, but not as bad as I thought they might. I think I'll just got to the beginner classes until I'm back to normal. I just have to say there is nothing so satisfying as punching; the impact that you feel all the way up to your shoulders and across your back. The smack of glove on bag. Gawd I missed it!
Friday, March 26, 2010
developing the art of non-advancment
The past couple weeks have been hard. I've been coming off my antidepressant (the kind I'd been on has a "discontinuation syndrome."), started taking a birth control pill (I know, it sounds counter productive, but that is part of the program), injured myself, had to stop training, and it was yearly review time at work. I've had a hard time dealing with my frustrations. My poor boss has been putting up with about as much crazy as my poor husband has. I've been absolutely hung up on the concept of having to make Goals for the upcoming year. Personally, I think that kind of thing is for management and people that want to be in management. I'm technically a skilled laborer (electronics assembler) that is pretty damn happy with her lot, so I don't fall into either category. Now, I'm perhaps smarter than the average laborer. I have a pretty damn solid work ethic because I love my job and the people I work with on a daily basis. I go out of my way to help those people out because I care about them and I hate seeing them struggle, even my boss. I also take great pride in the quality of my work.
I've worked in management before, so I recognize when somebody is probing to see how open I'd be to "developing my career." I've been on both sides of that coin before. I changed industries to get away from being automatically recruited into management training. I've as much as told my supervisor that when he starts to say how I'd make a better supervisor than him. I'd been counting on my technical inexperience and lack of knowledge to trump any perceived "leadership potential." It's worked now for the better part of six years. I think the problem is that the group I work in is small. We have field technicians, production (me and my cronies), HR, IT, Admin...ok just everybody in one building. It's not as easy to just keep your head down and go unnoticed when there are only 30 or 40 people in the building on any given day. Especially when you're on really good terms with your supervisor.
I knew within 5 min of meeting John that we were going to get along just swimmingly. Same work ethic, same age group, similar dork-isms, etc. That and he is just a great guy, somebody you could kick back with and have a beer...the older brother I never had. The man is willing to teach me whatever he knows because I soak it up like a sponge. And why wouldn't I? I love being able to do more handy things, expand my abilities as an assembler. He's just as fond of me. So he tells his boss how great I am. How I help him with the other assemblers and how quickly I adapt...and so on.
I got an awesome raise this year. I mean, it's not a lot, but it was the most they were budgeted to give me and they said I earned it. I know I did. I'm not so much the kiss-ass as much as I just like to do a good job and have people like me for it, not because I want to get ahead. Generally all I need is a pat on the head and a "good girl," and I'm set. But I took a hefty pay cut to work at this place and even a small percentage helps out as far as my man is concerned. The pay cut is another long story, but suffice it to say I hated every minute of my last year at that company and I learned that no job is worth my happiness or sanity.
The problem I had with my stellar review and pay raise is that John, bless his heart, said more than once that I've stepped into the role of an "unofficial team leader." It's true, I have a knack for putting myself in that position; when there's a need for somebody to have a backbone and nobody else will do it. I don't have the patience for standing around and listening to "I dunno, what do you think we should do?" and the response being the same question parroted back. Or the classic situation where somebody has a question but they're too shy to ask John. It makes me want to pull my hair out and scream. Then the other people that work outside our department come to me when/if John isn't in because I have a better grasp of what's going on than the other assemblers.
You may ask, what is wrong with all of that? My answer is "nothing if I wanted to be more than just a working (albeit helpful) grunt." The problem with being in management, especially in this group, is that there's always something else they want to add to your list of responsibilities. It's like they just keep it coming and wait to see what your breaking point is. I understand the need for a company to develop talent and take advantage of it, but when should the individual in question draw the line? Should it be the 70 hour work weeks for 40 hours of pay? The toll it takes on your health? How much should you let it take away from your family life? The problem is that unless you thrive under pressure, unless you have some kind of internal mechanism that separates your professional and personal life it's going to make you unhappy and you'll end up with a lot of personal regrets. Or at least that's my experience.
I'm the sort that handles one thing at a time really well...and that's it. I'm glad that I made the venture into management early in life, before I got married, before I start a family. It's given me the opportunity to really understand how I respond to stress and what my real priorities are. True, they offer help in finding that balance between your personal and professional lives, but I truly feel I've found that balance already. I can do good work, be proud of it, and still have time for my husband, the work we have to do in order to have children, and my martial arts workout/outlet. To be honest, this is the happiest I've been with my personal and professional balance. I tell John this and he still insists that he and his boss want to develop me into more than I want to be.
So, now that I've got all that explanation out of the way, back to the topic of Goals. The system they have set up is only going to work well for management. They want you to set relevant (I understand that one), acheivable (again, I get that), and measurable goals. It's the measurable part that I don't like so much. We measure cables and gaskets. Not once have I been told to keep track of how much waste I make or how often my work is rejected by quality assurance. I wouldn't know how to come up with that information. We're not privy to such things, nor do we care to be. That's what management is there for. I don't know what kind of training I might want/need outside of what they require of us. When I set a goal for myself at work, it's to get organized or to take better production notes...not really something with a metric. When you use the Goal program's "help" in order to come up with something to put down, everything they suggest is something for management. Things about quarterly reports and spearheading programs and such non-sense. When I see this, it literally makes me feel like I should twist my own head off. They never required goals before this year, and I've never been asked to have goals anywhere else. It's not that I couldn't come up with some kinda bullshit to put in there, but if we're expected to achieve our goals, they should give us something we can actually work with.
When I first told John that we shouldn't have to do them, that they were corporate bullshit, just trying to get us to write something for the sake of writing something, he tried to explain that setting these Goals are good for us. That even if I'm not thinking about advancing now, it would go a long way to help down the line, to be another feather in my cap. I told him I had no intention of advancing; been there done that and hated every soul sucking second of it. "You never know what you'll want down the road, I didn't want to either when I first started here," is about all I can get out of him whenever I try to convince him of my sincerity.
So, the Goals have become my battle ground to prove my resolve to stay put. Clearly they have only seen the genial, hard working, supportive Meredith. They have not met the Meredith that is unrelenting when she finds something worth being stubborn and difficult over. It doesn't happen often, but when it does...
At first I flatly refused to do the Goals. John, being the nice guy he is, wasn't really sure how to handle it. That and I think he was genuinely confused by the temper I was obviously trying to keep in check. He offered to sit down and help me with it. I am a lil fuzzy on this point in time because I was actually quite angry. I have a feeling I may have challenged him to "try it." He dropped it for a week. Then he brought it back up, I got angry again and shot it down again. I think he started avoiding it after that, so I started bringing it up. Not that I wanted to do them, but nobody would notice my being obstinate if I didn't engage somebody on the matter. One afternoon I sent John an email saying I wanted to see the policy that stated I had to do them. When he got it the next day, he was not at all pleased. I told him I'm not trying to take it out on him specifically, that I don't want to shoot the messenger and what not. That I was doing it on principal. I couldn't explain what the principal was because I have a hard time articulating on the spot. I'd much rather have gone to his boss over it as she is what I consider the corporate face of our production department, but I don't want to make John look bad. He started to try and find the policy. That day he was just so overwhelmed by things he had to get done I felt like liquid shit for making it harder on him. I've been in his shoes, I like the guy, I hated seeing him suffer and knowing that I had contributed to it.
So I changed tactic. I did the goals, as much as it made me want to roll naked on broken glass, I did them. I did one for John...one that would have to be done as it's regular training for my job. The other two? To take the company's online Word and Excel classes. Not that it matters as I have no intention of doing them. Yes, I went for the softer line, but ultimately they can't give me a sparkly review next year and even if the higher ups didn't get to see the other side of me, poor John did. Maybe now that I have my thoughts together now I can actually talk to him about what it is all about. I don't really care if it costs me a pay raise. There's no price for happiness.
I've worked in management before, so I recognize when somebody is probing to see how open I'd be to "developing my career." I've been on both sides of that coin before. I changed industries to get away from being automatically recruited into management training. I've as much as told my supervisor that when he starts to say how I'd make a better supervisor than him. I'd been counting on my technical inexperience and lack of knowledge to trump any perceived "leadership potential." It's worked now for the better part of six years. I think the problem is that the group I work in is small. We have field technicians, production (me and my cronies), HR, IT, Admin...ok just everybody in one building. It's not as easy to just keep your head down and go unnoticed when there are only 30 or 40 people in the building on any given day. Especially when you're on really good terms with your supervisor.
I knew within 5 min of meeting John that we were going to get along just swimmingly. Same work ethic, same age group, similar dork-isms, etc. That and he is just a great guy, somebody you could kick back with and have a beer...the older brother I never had. The man is willing to teach me whatever he knows because I soak it up like a sponge. And why wouldn't I? I love being able to do more handy things, expand my abilities as an assembler. He's just as fond of me. So he tells his boss how great I am. How I help him with the other assemblers and how quickly I adapt...and so on.
I got an awesome raise this year. I mean, it's not a lot, but it was the most they were budgeted to give me and they said I earned it. I know I did. I'm not so much the kiss-ass as much as I just like to do a good job and have people like me for it, not because I want to get ahead. Generally all I need is a pat on the head and a "good girl," and I'm set. But I took a hefty pay cut to work at this place and even a small percentage helps out as far as my man is concerned. The pay cut is another long story, but suffice it to say I hated every minute of my last year at that company and I learned that no job is worth my happiness or sanity.
The problem I had with my stellar review and pay raise is that John, bless his heart, said more than once that I've stepped into the role of an "unofficial team leader." It's true, I have a knack for putting myself in that position; when there's a need for somebody to have a backbone and nobody else will do it. I don't have the patience for standing around and listening to "I dunno, what do you think we should do?" and the response being the same question parroted back. Or the classic situation where somebody has a question but they're too shy to ask John. It makes me want to pull my hair out and scream. Then the other people that work outside our department come to me when/if John isn't in because I have a better grasp of what's going on than the other assemblers.
You may ask, what is wrong with all of that? My answer is "nothing if I wanted to be more than just a working (albeit helpful) grunt." The problem with being in management, especially in this group, is that there's always something else they want to add to your list of responsibilities. It's like they just keep it coming and wait to see what your breaking point is. I understand the need for a company to develop talent and take advantage of it, but when should the individual in question draw the line? Should it be the 70 hour work weeks for 40 hours of pay? The toll it takes on your health? How much should you let it take away from your family life? The problem is that unless you thrive under pressure, unless you have some kind of internal mechanism that separates your professional and personal life it's going to make you unhappy and you'll end up with a lot of personal regrets. Or at least that's my experience.
I'm the sort that handles one thing at a time really well...and that's it. I'm glad that I made the venture into management early in life, before I got married, before I start a family. It's given me the opportunity to really understand how I respond to stress and what my real priorities are. True, they offer help in finding that balance between your personal and professional lives, but I truly feel I've found that balance already. I can do good work, be proud of it, and still have time for my husband, the work we have to do in order to have children, and my martial arts workout/outlet. To be honest, this is the happiest I've been with my personal and professional balance. I tell John this and he still insists that he and his boss want to develop me into more than I want to be.
So, now that I've got all that explanation out of the way, back to the topic of Goals. The system they have set up is only going to work well for management. They want you to set relevant (I understand that one), acheivable (again, I get that), and measurable goals. It's the measurable part that I don't like so much. We measure cables and gaskets. Not once have I been told to keep track of how much waste I make or how often my work is rejected by quality assurance. I wouldn't know how to come up with that information. We're not privy to such things, nor do we care to be. That's what management is there for. I don't know what kind of training I might want/need outside of what they require of us. When I set a goal for myself at work, it's to get organized or to take better production notes...not really something with a metric. When you use the Goal program's "help" in order to come up with something to put down, everything they suggest is something for management. Things about quarterly reports and spearheading programs and such non-sense. When I see this, it literally makes me feel like I should twist my own head off. They never required goals before this year, and I've never been asked to have goals anywhere else. It's not that I couldn't come up with some kinda bullshit to put in there, but if we're expected to achieve our goals, they should give us something we can actually work with.
When I first told John that we shouldn't have to do them, that they were corporate bullshit, just trying to get us to write something for the sake of writing something, he tried to explain that setting these Goals are good for us. That even if I'm not thinking about advancing now, it would go a long way to help down the line, to be another feather in my cap. I told him I had no intention of advancing; been there done that and hated every soul sucking second of it. "You never know what you'll want down the road, I didn't want to either when I first started here," is about all I can get out of him whenever I try to convince him of my sincerity.
So, the Goals have become my battle ground to prove my resolve to stay put. Clearly they have only seen the genial, hard working, supportive Meredith. They have not met the Meredith that is unrelenting when she finds something worth being stubborn and difficult over. It doesn't happen often, but when it does...
At first I flatly refused to do the Goals. John, being the nice guy he is, wasn't really sure how to handle it. That and I think he was genuinely confused by the temper I was obviously trying to keep in check. He offered to sit down and help me with it. I am a lil fuzzy on this point in time because I was actually quite angry. I have a feeling I may have challenged him to "try it." He dropped it for a week. Then he brought it back up, I got angry again and shot it down again. I think he started avoiding it after that, so I started bringing it up. Not that I wanted to do them, but nobody would notice my being obstinate if I didn't engage somebody on the matter. One afternoon I sent John an email saying I wanted to see the policy that stated I had to do them. When he got it the next day, he was not at all pleased. I told him I'm not trying to take it out on him specifically, that I don't want to shoot the messenger and what not. That I was doing it on principal. I couldn't explain what the principal was because I have a hard time articulating on the spot. I'd much rather have gone to his boss over it as she is what I consider the corporate face of our production department, but I don't want to make John look bad. He started to try and find the policy. That day he was just so overwhelmed by things he had to get done I felt like liquid shit for making it harder on him. I've been in his shoes, I like the guy, I hated seeing him suffer and knowing that I had contributed to it.
So I changed tactic. I did the goals, as much as it made me want to roll naked on broken glass, I did them. I did one for John...one that would have to be done as it's regular training for my job. The other two? To take the company's online Word and Excel classes. Not that it matters as I have no intention of doing them. Yes, I went for the softer line, but ultimately they can't give me a sparkly review next year and even if the higher ups didn't get to see the other side of me, poor John did. Maybe now that I have my thoughts together now I can actually talk to him about what it is all about. I don't really care if it costs me a pay raise. There's no price for happiness.
Out of Action
Out of action on two fronts. I haven't been able to train for two weeks now. It's amazing how one little thing can cause such a bizarre injury. We were warming up in BJJ and one of the exercises is something called a forward roll. It's pretty much a somersault starting from a standing position. I've not done them enough to be truly comfortable with them, but I've about got the hang of it...or so I thought. The class was overcrowded and that makes me self conscious. I'm completely comfy in Muay Thai, but BJJ is something new and I don't know my classmates all that well. I hit the mat with my nerves and ended up injuring my ribs. The doctor was pretty sure that the pop I heard as my ass passed over my head mid roll was the cartilage. The x-rays didn't show any damage to the bone. For the past two weeks I've had to clench my jaws and suppress a scream every time I've had to sneeze, belch, cough, or roll over in bed. I've been pretty good to my injury except for when I'm asleep. That's when I start dreaming about training and fighting. I've never even been in a fight, but I guess it's the way my subconscious is dealing with my lack of physical outlet. The problem though; I'm a low level "sleep walker." I don't actually get up out of bed anymore, like I did as a child, but I still act out a lot in my sleep. (My poor husband puts up with a lot, I tell ya.) So I'll wake up in the morning and feel like I did when I'd just injured my ribs. I sneezed today and didn't feel like putting my fist through the wall, so I think I'm ready to go back to Muay Thai, starting Monday. I'll give BJJ another week.
The second thing that's out of action is the IVF cycle we'd been preparing for in April. We have AWESOME insurance coverage for infertility. The clinic says it will cover multiple rounds at 90% which is absolutely unheard of. Unfortunately we have to get all our meds through the mail. We've not had a problem with the company they require for the fertility meds in the past. They get the orders done and out the door the next day because, well, biology works on it's own time line and waits for no man! The clinic called the Rx in to the place about a month ago, I had plenty of time. I waited until a couple weeks ago to call them back with our payment option for covering what insurance wouldn't. We assumed that our awesome coverage would be awesome for the meds as well. The lady that took our credit card number said she couldn't tell me how much it would cost after insurance because they don't apply said insurance until they're ready to ship. I got a phone call today, around 4:30 saying that they'd tried to run our card and that it had been declined. "Well, how much are you trying to charge?" I asked. When the guy said $5,500+ my jaw hit the floor. I guess that's why they say that to assume makes an ass out of u and me. Paul scrambled to see where we could pull that kind of money together and it just wasn't feasible. The reason we'd been rushing to do IVF in April? Paul's group got bought out by a different company and his insurance was supposed to change in June. Although we'd had success getting pregnant on our own, we opted to do IVF just in case because, well, what were the odds we'd ever have such awesome coverage again? Pretty damn good it seems. They've given us the exact same coverage. So there's no hurry now. I suppose it all works out, but Paul is just devastated. Not because of the cost, but because he wants to be a dad sooooo badly. He'd even canceled a business trip to help me through the process. His bosses are going to be pissed now that we can't do it. I, on the other hand, am pretty damn content. I can pop two vicodin and hardly feel it. I'd know, that's what they gave me for my ribs. I don't even get drowsy from benadryl. Give me hormones, however, and I'm a total wreck. I'm so sensitive that sometimes other people's hormones screw me up. There are some people at work I can find with my nose, not because of their perfume, or aftershave, but because of their natural odor/pheromones. My cycle syncs up with which ever female I spend the most time with and if I spend too much time around menopausal women I get crazy hot flashes. So to say that I wasn't looking forward to all the synthetic hormones they were going to pump me full of is a bit of an understatement. I'm really excited that we get the chance to try the old fashioned way while we save up the money.
The second thing that's out of action is the IVF cycle we'd been preparing for in April. We have AWESOME insurance coverage for infertility. The clinic says it will cover multiple rounds at 90% which is absolutely unheard of. Unfortunately we have to get all our meds through the mail. We've not had a problem with the company they require for the fertility meds in the past. They get the orders done and out the door the next day because, well, biology works on it's own time line and waits for no man! The clinic called the Rx in to the place about a month ago, I had plenty of time. I waited until a couple weeks ago to call them back with our payment option for covering what insurance wouldn't. We assumed that our awesome coverage would be awesome for the meds as well. The lady that took our credit card number said she couldn't tell me how much it would cost after insurance because they don't apply said insurance until they're ready to ship. I got a phone call today, around 4:30 saying that they'd tried to run our card and that it had been declined. "Well, how much are you trying to charge?" I asked. When the guy said $5,500+ my jaw hit the floor. I guess that's why they say that to assume makes an ass out of u and me. Paul scrambled to see where we could pull that kind of money together and it just wasn't feasible. The reason we'd been rushing to do IVF in April? Paul's group got bought out by a different company and his insurance was supposed to change in June. Although we'd had success getting pregnant on our own, we opted to do IVF just in case because, well, what were the odds we'd ever have such awesome coverage again? Pretty damn good it seems. They've given us the exact same coverage. So there's no hurry now. I suppose it all works out, but Paul is just devastated. Not because of the cost, but because he wants to be a dad sooooo badly. He'd even canceled a business trip to help me through the process. His bosses are going to be pissed now that we can't do it. I, on the other hand, am pretty damn content. I can pop two vicodin and hardly feel it. I'd know, that's what they gave me for my ribs. I don't even get drowsy from benadryl. Give me hormones, however, and I'm a total wreck. I'm so sensitive that sometimes other people's hormones screw me up. There are some people at work I can find with my nose, not because of their perfume, or aftershave, but because of their natural odor/pheromones. My cycle syncs up with which ever female I spend the most time with and if I spend too much time around menopausal women I get crazy hot flashes. So to say that I wasn't looking forward to all the synthetic hormones they were going to pump me full of is a bit of an understatement. I'm really excited that we get the chance to try the old fashioned way while we save up the money.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Why I Did It
About two years ago, a co-worker made some unwelcome physical advances and I froze up. I'd always had this plan in my head if something like that were ever to happen; kick to the groin, eye gouge, and run. It's really not a BAD plan, quite effective really, however if you're a gentle soul and you've not rehearsed it, you're not likely to pull it off. I'd go into the emotional ramifications; the self doubt, the guilt (yup, felt guilty), and the shame of having to tell your husband the next day...but that's not what I'm getting at here. I had never been in a fight, never intentionally harmed somebody, never had a harsh word to say, never rocked the boat. I was completely unprepared to defend myself, verbally or physically. He put his hands on me, but thankfully that's all he did. It could have been far worse. It cemented my resolve to explore the martial arts.
I'd really only started my trek into infertility at the time. I don't kid myself and claim to be an expert, but when the Doc told me that losing weight would go a long way to making for a successful pregnancy, I did start looking into work outs. At my heaviest I was probably 29o lbs. That's a LOT of weight for a 5' 5" body. I'd always been rather muscular under the marshmallow fluff, but that was in no way an excuse for getting as bad as I was. Mind you, the last twenty lbs were gained during an accidental and tragically short pregnancy, it was still a ridiculous amount of weight to gain in an eight week period. I think I had whittled my way down 15 lbs through a drastic change in diet, but it came off at a pace that would make snails impatient. I'd tried working out from home, but I never managed to keep up with it. I tried yoga. *yawn* I fell asleep in more than one class. It's not for everybody. I'd wanted so badly to try martial arts, but I'd never had the guts. I'd even shopped around for schools. Then the workplace incident happened and I pretty much decided it was time to get over my insecurity and just do it.
They did an "intro" to go over the basic strikes, so I could get a feel for it. Then came a group class. I was the only overweight person in the room. I felt like a fish out of water. But all these beautiful, physically fit people around me did not treat me like I had plague. They worked with me. They didn't make me feel like I was in the wrong place. So I signed up. I don't think anybody expected me to stick with it, but I did. They pushed me to challenge myself. There were times where they pushed too hard for my heavy body to keep up, but I didn't stop. Whenever another big girl started a class, I went out of my way to at least talk to her, tell her how wonderful these people are. How there isn't that gym/jock mentality. They would start classes with gusto, then they would disappear. Don't get me wrong, it's not for everybody, but I was always disappointed when it happened. Made me question how much longer it would be before I just gave up too. But I love, love, love Muay Thai. As long as I have the money and the time, I will continue on. I've been with my academy for almost two and a half years now. I've been in the advanced group for over a year and people call dibs on being my training partner before class even starts. It's not because I'm good at Muay Thai, it's because I'm loved. Who'd have thought that something that by it's very violent nature would foster such affection between it's practitioners?
I'd really only started my trek into infertility at the time. I don't kid myself and claim to be an expert, but when the Doc told me that losing weight would go a long way to making for a successful pregnancy, I did start looking into work outs. At my heaviest I was probably 29o lbs. That's a LOT of weight for a 5' 5" body. I'd always been rather muscular under the marshmallow fluff, but that was in no way an excuse for getting as bad as I was. Mind you, the last twenty lbs were gained during an accidental and tragically short pregnancy, it was still a ridiculous amount of weight to gain in an eight week period. I think I had whittled my way down 15 lbs through a drastic change in diet, but it came off at a pace that would make snails impatient. I'd tried working out from home, but I never managed to keep up with it. I tried yoga. *yawn* I fell asleep in more than one class. It's not for everybody. I'd wanted so badly to try martial arts, but I'd never had the guts. I'd even shopped around for schools. Then the workplace incident happened and I pretty much decided it was time to get over my insecurity and just do it.
They did an "intro" to go over the basic strikes, so I could get a feel for it. Then came a group class. I was the only overweight person in the room. I felt like a fish out of water. But all these beautiful, physically fit people around me did not treat me like I had plague. They worked with me. They didn't make me feel like I was in the wrong place. So I signed up. I don't think anybody expected me to stick with it, but I did. They pushed me to challenge myself. There were times where they pushed too hard for my heavy body to keep up, but I didn't stop. Whenever another big girl started a class, I went out of my way to at least talk to her, tell her how wonderful these people are. How there isn't that gym/jock mentality. They would start classes with gusto, then they would disappear. Don't get me wrong, it's not for everybody, but I was always disappointed when it happened. Made me question how much longer it would be before I just gave up too. But I love, love, love Muay Thai. As long as I have the money and the time, I will continue on. I've been with my academy for almost two and a half years now. I've been in the advanced group for over a year and people call dibs on being my training partner before class even starts. It's not because I'm good at Muay Thai, it's because I'm loved. Who'd have thought that something that by it's very violent nature would foster such affection between it's practitioners?
Saturday, March 13, 2010
My First Post
I'm not bragging or anything, but I puked about 30 min ago. That puts it at about 1:30AM, eastern time, and I decided to start a blog shortly thereafter. Not that I think blogging and vomiting fall into the same category, but hey, inspiration sometimes strikes at odd times. That and I need something to occupy myself until I'm sure my stomach has settled back down. This isn't my first attempt at blogging. I used to post constantly to an online journal, but it was mostly for my personal musings. I'm not saying I won't do ANY of that here, but I plan on mostly documenting my odd trek into martial arts, weight management, and infertility. I've been at it all for about two years now, so I'll be posting as much about the past as I am the present.
I'll have to leave my intro a lil'bit early though as I feel another bout of nausea coming over.
I'll have to leave my intro a lil'bit early though as I feel another bout of nausea coming over.
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